Please note: I have not seen much past season 9.
15. House Fancy
This episode is so goddamn boring. Yes Squidward ACTUALLY wins in the end here, but that doesn’t mean shit when he gets his toenail ripped off and most of the episode being nothing but just Squilliam showing his house off. Boring as shit, moving on.
Rating: 3.5/10 – Bad
14. Mandatory Music
Professor Squidward is a good episode. Why do I say that? Because Squidward intentionally broke the law to steal Squilliam’s class.
One common theme in SpongeBob is that Squidward loves to play his clarinet, though badly. This episode, which reminds me a lot of that episode from the Smurfs related to Harmony Smurf and his godawful playing (Smurphony in ‘C’), involves Squidward getting ordered to take a class. So badly playing music is considered a crime now? What’s next? Being too old?
The joke, and they hammer the living hell out of this, is that Squidward sucks at playing music. So instead, the teacher makes him play other instruments while everyone else upstages him. In the end, Squidward clarinet is confiscated and destroyed.
I was on the fence about putting this one above House Fancy and how like in that episode Squidward wins in the end, but Squidward was harassed much more in this one and he lost his instrument to a bullshit law pulled out of Chip Roy’s racist ass.
Rating: 3.5/10 – Bad
13. Sponge-Cano!
Sponge-Cano was part of Legends of Bikini Bottom, which was a pathetic ratings trap that told of “horrific tales” like a drain plug in the sea or a curse on the Krusty Krab.
This one had a good song number at the beginning, but it rushes downhill when it’s revealed that the most miserable person in Bikini Bottom has to be sacrificed. Oh wait I mean their house.
Rating: 3.5/10 – Bad
12. Good Neighbors
Squidward just wants to spend his Sunday without being annoyed, but SpongeBob and Patrick intentionally piss him the fuck off by making him the leader of a club by force. After telling them to paint the leaves they deliberately get paint on Squidward and he’s mistaken for being sick and is dragged to the hospital, which costs him his massage thanks to SpongeBob and Patrick’s interference. Then he gets a security system in his house which turns against him and attacks Bikini Bottom, punishing him with community service for every sunday for life. To this date it’s still one of my least favorite episodes.
Notice anything wrong with this? This episode was grassroots for the bombardment of Squidward Torture Porns. To start off, Squidward, unlike in Jellyfishing or Naughty Nautical Neighbors, isn’t doing anything wrong or being cruel. The cruelty comes from SpongeBob and Patrick. Squidward’s reprimanding is a positive though.
Rating: 3/10 – Bad
11. Boat Smarts
Episode in a nutshell: Being a good driver means you will suffer the consequences.
Squidward is shown doing everything a driver with boats smarts would do, while SpongeBob with no boat smarts ends up creating hell for Squidward.
At the very end, SpongeBob insultingly says Mrs. Puff and Squidward forgot their boat smarts.
Rating: 3/10 – Bad
10. Tentacle-Vision
Ohhhhhhhhh boy now we’re really getting into the bad ones here. Squidward wants to broadcast his own talk show, but it’s hijacked by not just SpongeBob and Patrick, but the entire town. Then a guy comes in to get Squidward kicked out of his house.
This episode is not funny and is incredibly annoying.
Rating: 2/10 – Terrible
9. Breath of Fresh Squidward
I don’t necessarily find this to be the epitome of Squidward Torture Porn but it showcases SpongeBob being an insufferable dickhead towards Squidward. In Can You Spare A Dime he had every right to go ballistic on Squidward since Squidward was freeloading the hell out of him. Here? He weeps over Squidward upstaging him for a brief time.
Also the first part of this episode is agonizing. SpongeBob and Patrick have knowingly invaded Squidward’s house every day just to watch the sunrise.
While I hate this episode with a burning passion, it’s not as unwatchable as the other ones below. After all it’s soothing to watch Squidward upstage SpongeBob. Mr. Enter put this as his number one and while it is among the worst, it’s tame in contrast to the rest of the list.
Rating: 2/10 – Terrible
8. Squid Wood
SpongeBob creates Mini Squidward. While this wouldn’t be bad, SpongeBob takes him to the Krusty Krab where everyone worships the damn thing and Squidward himself is being ridiculed on everything.
I rest my case.
Rating: 2/10 – Terrible
7. Cephalopod Lodge
SpongeBob and Patrick break into a club that Squidward goes to each month. Why? Because SpongeBob simply wants to know what makes Squidward so happy on that day (which is not an excuse to do this). By breaking in, Squidward is kicked and banned from the club. So SpongeBob and Patrick make up their own, and have Squidward getting attacked by jellyfish (not out of him being arrogant like he was in Jellyfishing, no, it’s part of an initiation test). Then they try to get him back in the lodge, but fail to do so because Patrick and SpongeBob reveal themselves at the end again.
Give Patrick credit; the guard should have been held responsible and not Squidward.
Rating: 2/10 – Terrible
6. Boating Buddies
This one doesn’t even make the top 5 and yet it’s that bad. SpongeBob gets Squidward sent to boating school by scaring the shit out of him because Squidward was “breathing” and he mistakenly went past a stop sign.
SpongeBob doesn’t even hide his stalker attitude in this one just like in Squid Wood’s beginning. I won’t mention the scenes but just know it’s pretty damn obnoxious and disturbing. Squidward doesn’t even get a chance to take the test and has to endure another week of boating school with the same pain and misery.
Rating: 2/10 – Terrible
5. Pineapple Fever
Why does this go above Boating Buddies? That episode had a unique scene with those scientists. Pineapple Fever has nothing on that level. Also SpongeBob and Patrick are intentionally being braindead and deliberately drive Squidward bonkers.
Rating: 2/10 – Terrible
4. Restraining SpongeBob
Despite Patrick’s behavior, this one will not be included on the PatPrick list.
Squidward does the one thing he should’ve done in the first place – get a restraining order against SpongeBob. Only trouble is, he doesn’t get one against Patrick. That ends up being the biggest mistake he ever made since Patrick constantly harasses Squidward on the job and then later viciously attacks him after Squidward gets a reaction from a pie.
Basically we go from SpongeBob being a creep to Patrick being a creep. That’s all I can say.
Rating: 1.5/10 – Rancid
3. Smoothe Jazz at Bikini Bottom
Like Restraining SpongeBob, this is more of a Squidward Torture Porn than a PatPrick episode. So it won’t be on that list. For this episode, Squidward wants to go to a concert. SpongeBob manages to get two seats for him and Squidward and even backstage passes, but Patrick eats the backstage passes. Later while chasing Patrick, Squidward loses his seat and goes pleading to the guard to get to backstage. Kelpy G hears SpongeBob and Squidward playing their instruments, takes SpongeBob onstage while Squidward is kicked out of the concert.
And why did Patrick even show up? “Two words SpongeBob: Na. Chos.” That’s very interesting. I have two words for you Patrick Star: Kill. Yourself.
Rating: 1.5/10 – Rancid
2. Choir Boys
You know the funny part about some of the worst episodes of a show like Send in Stewie Please? I don’t have much to say about it! Choir Boys speaks for itself!
Squidward plans to join the men’s choir. SpongeBob, learning this from Squidward, immediately steps in to maliciously interfere with Squidward getting to the choir place and randomly becomes an expert singer. How do you become an expert at music without even ONE lesson you stupid Sponge?! We don’t exactly know where it comes from, which means it defies logic!
Rating: 1.5/10 – Rancid
1. Squid Baby
This is the ultimate Squidward Torture Porn and is partially a PatPrick episode.
Squidward gets pissed off with SpongeBob and Patrick acting like toddlers. Unlike in Naughty Nautical Neighbors, Squidward had every right to reprimand these two since they don’t have any mental disabilities and are simply trying to piss Squidward off again.
So after a freak accident, Squidward ends up with “head-go-boom-boom-itis” (That’s certainly clever writing.) and Patrick ends up throwing Squidward into the ceiling and other things that the doctor said not to do.
The rest of Bikini Bottom also mistreats Squidward to a severe degree. Combing with Squidward in pain, a horrible plot (which is partially recycled), gross-out, and unlikable main characters, Squid Baby worse than any other Squidward Torture Porn and is easily one of the most disgraceful episodes of the series. And to think it was paired with one of my favorite post-movie episodes License to Milkshake!
Rating: 1/10 – Rancid
